Last Time I Saw Your Face 

Video taped distraction 

Casting the pale blue glow of 

Detachment 

Avoidance 

Intolerance 

Across your face 

An 

Intentionally empty glance 

Spoke for your motionless lips 

Silence, less the security blanket 

Of white noise you have wrapped yourself in 

Arms folded 

Constricting your chest 

Restricting my breathing 

Your words 

Absent any trace of fatherly compassion 

My tears 

Marking off each flashback 

Clicking through my head like the 

Last few moments of your, now my, 

Recorded golf game dream. 

Limiting everything that 

Could have been 

Leaving me with nothing more 

Then a limited sense of 

Self-awareness 

Remembering 

The last time I saw your face 

04/02

Rae 

They called me Rae 

While floating in a black pool of water 

Fallacious currents 

Drifting 

Swirling 

Lulling me to sleep 

Limbs 

Stiff like a plank of hard aged oak 

Sinking to the bottom of the ocean’s endless tides

Icy water 

Thick water 

Rushing 

Flowing over my arms 

My hair 

My thighs 

It 

Stopped 

Stopped at my thighs 

They called me Rae 

When sweat was rolling off my body 

So profusely 

I knew 

I was no longer sleeping 

Heavy rough hands 

Were searching my body 

Looking for a way to enter my private places 

The most forbidden places 

They called me Rae 

Because the sweat 

Made it easier 

To penetrate me 

I remember 

Thinking that if I can make my body stiff enough 

It 

He (I can say that now) 

Wont go any further 

But I was wrong 

I remember 

Fearing that if I let him know 

I am no longer asleep 

He will 

He will… 

Well, he will do much more than he already was 

They called me Rae 

But I didn’t know how long this would last 

My dreams 

My nightmares 

Seamed to last much longer than conventional time 

At critical points in our life 

Time warps 

It bends 

It transforms itself into an existential phenomenon 

A trap 

A black hole 

It becomes the last few endless moment’s one experiences 

As life 

One’s own life 

Escapes the confines of the body 

They called me Rae 

At school 

I could still smell the sent of my own 

Sweat 

His touch 

Of fear 

And lust 

And sin 

Weighing upon my body like the sting of iodine 

On a fresh cut 

They say the pain 

Is to make it heal faster 

They called me Rae 

On the yellow school bus 

Honking at my door 

Delivering me to my judgment 

I remember 

Sometimes 

I would try to hide from the all-knowing-stairs 

From the nuns 

From Father Benedict 

They were clued in for sure 

They knew God 

They knew everything 

They called me Rae 

And I remember everything 

Each night before I went to sleep 

I prayed 

“Now I lay me down to sleep.  

I pray the lord my soul to keep. 

If I die before I wake, 

I pray the lord my soul do take” 

11/01 

@2002 M.R.Shebesta

Plaid Skirt 

Little paid skirts 

Jumper 

Cardigan pant suites 

Weaving colors 

Weaving reds and blues 

Blue beats red 

Water beats fire 

Fire beats the earth 

Earth beats down upon my body 

Black and blue 

“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…” 

How does the rest go? 

Litter girls wear the blue plaid 

Big girls get the brown 

Good girls go to heaven 

Bad girls are very very bad 

Eating pomegranates in the bath tube 

Trying to keep the summers 

Heat away 

Barn sparrows 

Swoop and swirl amid the breeze 

While watching custard flavored clouds blow by 

Buy-buy 

Little girls 

Tomorrow is lost without another word 

“Smile, you look much prettier that way. “ 

Says Sister Agnes 

Passing by 

My old house on Wisconsin Avenue 

Remember the day we lifted the earth 

Pulled away the burlap 

Exposing the bare roots 

Gnarled 

White 

Ready to except the nourishment 

The sumptuous feast before them 

Crab apples present themselves as a bitter fruit 

Poison 

If you ask me 

”I dare you to eat one and see for sure” 

Plaid skirts 

Waiving in the sunlight 

Bouncing on the play ground 

Counting out the rhythms of childhood 

Of innocence 

Hop-scotch 

Jumping jacks 

Cartwheels and tag 

Johnny kisses Debbie 

Debbie kisses Luke 

Mommy kisses Daddy 

But is Daddy kissing me 

K.I.S.S.I.N.G. 

Plaid skirts 

Pleated just above the knee 

Pressed white cotton shirt 

New red pullover 

Little white plastic rosary 

And a blessing from you to me 

12/01 

@2002 M.R.Shebesta

New Dress 

Insanity 

Is when someone wakes up 

On 

The wrong side of a bad dream 

And 

Gets stuck 

On the back side of a sliding glass door 

They are left to listen 

To the twisted memories 

All the yesterdays lost to self-delusion 

Lightning cracks against the glass 

And breaks the darkness 

But dawn never comes 

Thunder rolls around the hallows of eternity 

But brings no end to the storm 

No clarity 

No daylight 

Slip in to the new dress 

The new you 

Hide away the cracks you found in the mirror 

Hide them behind your newly bought Wal-Mart smile 

Hide from the reflections that terrify you so 

Hold on to the hand of the little girl 

The little voice that speaks to you 

Whispers to you 

Inaudible mantras that spoil the silence 

That lulls all others to sleep 

There are no lullabies for you 

No quiet for you 

No sleep for you 

No sleep 

No sleep 

08/99 

@2002 M.R.Shebsta

Colossus of Maroussi 

I am the colossus of Maroussi and nothing more 

Each day passes 

Each week passes 

Each month goes sliding through my fingers 

And is lost down the drain 

The drain 

Linear time passes 

As each moment passes 

Passing through my fingers and in lost all the same 

One day I woke to find you standing 

Looking back at me 

Flowing pigtails 

Hazel eyes 

Cherubic smile 

Looking at me 

Looking through me 

I fear you are trying to look right through me 

I can feel your evil stairs 

Quit staring at me 

I am the Colossus of Maroussi and nothing more 

I am not in the passing lane 

All you bastards still pass me by 

Passing by me 

Passing by me as easily as the turning of an 

Autumn leaf 

So many years are passing by 

Sliding through my fingers and are lost down the drain 

All the pain 

All the pain 

All the pain I am all a lone 

I never said you could leave me 

You little bitch I‘ll tell you when and were to go 

I am still the Colossus of Maroussi, all that and more 

I say you have betrayed me 

So I will beat you to the floor 

I am yelling 

Yelling very loudly 

Just to let you know 

I am the Colossus of Maroussi and you are my 

Little whore 

Each day passes 

Sliding through my fingers and is lost down the drain 

Lost down the drain 

The tears 

And years 

And beers 

And all my fucking fears are washing down the drain 

The drain 

Drip 

Drip 

Drop 

Flowing down the drain 

I am the Colossus of Maroussi and nothing more 

Every day passes 

Passing 

Sliding 

Dripping 

Dropping 

Down the drain 

As the colossus of Maroussi 

I am sliding down the drain 

Flipping 

Falling to the floor 

I am the Colossus of Maroussi and absolutely 

Nothing more 

10/99 

@2002 M.R. Shebesta

‘Chocolate Cake' a monologue 

Hello, my name is Chocolate cake. 

I am your double fudge, Extra whip topping fantasy.  My rich Chocolate layers and creamy filling will exceed the most decadent of your desires. Ethereal as French lace you have imagined the waiter brining me out on a silver tray. My subtle little buds of chocolate icing peak gracefully upward, while the sweet, insatiable flavor I will leave on your pallet should complete the cocoa-colored fragments of a dream you'll never want to wake from. I know how bad you are craving me right now. Well here I am right in front of you, less than an arms length away. But this moment, the one you have fantasized about for so long is almost too good to be true. 

Take a few moments to sit back and contemplate your first approach to make it perfect. Well, don’t wait too long, you'll never get another chance like this.  Take your first bite. There you go. Taste my quixotic cream as it slides over your lips and fills your mouth. I can feel your body flush with anticipation of what will come next. The Boom, boom, boom of your heart is beating so fast. The warm sent of my aromatic juices fill you with lust and desire while the taste from your first bite teases and awakens sensations you didn’t even know you could feel. 

One more bite, swallow, you can take another.  There you go. Open wider, I thought you wanted me. Come on and prove it! Keep up, I am just getting started, wait until you see what I can do for you!  You are falling behind. Take some more! Faster, you had better catch up now!  What’s your problem can’t you handle me? You better start to catch on quick this isn’t kindergarten you know!  

What do you mean “enough”, I don’t think so... this isn’t just about you. You said you wanted me! You said you wanted it all!  So here I am, the best you’ll ever see. You are nothing. I am the one everyone is waiting to get a piece of! You are just another shmuck in a long line. I have a reputation to maintain, now open up! Where the Hell do you think you are going?  Get back her right now! Shut up you piece of shit, I am doing you a favor!  You should be thanking me you fat fuck.   We both know why you are here so sit back, open up and finish the damn job! 

Yeah, there you go. Come on, one more bite.  Yeah, take another bite. If you were handling this like I had thought you could we wouldn’t be having this little problem so figure it out and quit being so dramatic! Come on, open wider. You’re getting all red and puffy, quit gagging damn it! I am getting sick of this shit!        (BAM) 

Why did you make me do that? 

There you go, all most done. 

One 

More 

Bite, 

Mmmm... 

Wow, Now wasn’t that great!   Sorry, It got a little rough there. 

Ha, come on now why are you crying? I said I was sorry. Hey, Don’t you dare give me that look! Who the hell do you think you are! It’s what you came here tonight for tonight.  It’s what you wanted, It’s what everybody wants, It’s Chocolate Cake and I am the best and who’d listen to a loser like you anyway? 

@2001  M. R. Shebesta

(I wrote this piece in memory of a young guy friend in Highschool whom out of a desire for empathy asked me to explain the emotional effect of Date rape to him. I want to present it in a way that was gender neutral. This is a cleaned up version of how I described it to him.)